


Lie Back and Think of Bisto

by BadlyWrittenNewcastleFanfiction



Category: Newcastle Drag Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:27:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24024322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadlyWrittenNewcastleFanfiction/pseuds/BadlyWrittenNewcastleFanfiction
Summary: Lucy's all alone, until a mysterious stranger crops up.
Relationships: Velvet Snatch/Lucy Phurr





	Lie Back and Think of Bisto

Lucy looked around the Bank Bar and sighed. Everyone in the bar was coupled up, or tripled up, or quadrupled up, or actively participating in an orgy on the stage. But not her. Lucy, once again, was all alone.

“Typical.” She huffed to herself. “Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.”

“You’ve never been a bridesmaid.” Elle said sitting next to her, still scrolling on her phone.

Lucy rolled her eyes. “It’s just an expression.”

“But it’s not true.”

“Fine.” Lucy said. “Always a drag idol contestant, never an all star.”

PlastiQ wandered past, arm in arm with Gladys. She paused next to Lucy.

“Believe me.” PlastiQ said, “All Stars is not all it’s cracked up to be.” She shivered as a Vietnam flashback briefly overtook her, and Gladys dragged her away from Lucy to recover from her PTSD.

“Lucy,” Elle said, “what’s got you so down? Eh?”

“It’s just, I’m all alone. Everyone’s got someone.” She smiled, nudging Elle’s arm. “Well, except for you, Elle.”

Laughing, Elle stood up from her stool (chair, not poo). “Actually, I have a grindr date.”

“ _You_ have a date, _too._ ”

“Yeah.” Elle grinned. “We’re meeting for the first time tonight. I’m very excited.”

“Aren’t you nervous.”

“No.” Said Elle. “I’m a goddamn snack.”

Feeling dejected, Lucy looked up to Elle, hoping for any sort of character affirmation from her friend. “Elle, am I a snack?”

Pausing, Elle looked over Lucy, raking her eyes from top to bottom, and back again. “No, Lucy.”

“Oh.”

“Lucy Phurr, you’re the whole fucking meal.”

“Was that a fat joke?”

“Only about 45% of one.”

Lucy beamed. “Thanks, Elle. And good luck on your date.” She waved Elle off as her friend left to meet her new lover.

“Alone again.” Lucy said. “I can’t believe I’m alone. Even _Rachel Rear_ has someone…(throwback)…And I’m all alone. I can’t believe it.”

“Neither can I.” Said a fetching stranger.

Lucy’s pussy smacked its lips in anticipation. “Oh, aren’t you lovely, chuck.” She fluttered her eyelashes, and a gust swept through the bar, strong enough to snatch Anna Morphic’s bus driver wig right off her head.

“I’m Velvet.” Said the stranger.

“Lucy.” Lucy said. “Lucy Phurr. It’s a pun. Not a good one. But a pun nonetheless.”

Velvet took Lucy’s hand in theirs, and kissed it, curtseying in a most chivalrous fashion. “I’m very pleased to be making your acquaintance.”

“I dunno about making my acquaintance.” Lucy said. “But I know you’re making my muff moan.”

Velvet chuckled. “And so very articulate, my dear.” They gestured to the slush machine. “May I buy you a drink, dear Lucy?”

“Oh yes, you fucking well may.”

“In that case, m’lady,” Velvet said, “name your potion.”

Lucy giggled. “Well if you insist, I’ll have a gin and tonic. Double.”

“Coming right up.”

“And a Malibu and coke. Double. And a vodka and coke. Triple. And a Smirnoff Ice. Two blue WKDs. Eight packets of McCoys steak ridge cuts. A pint of Stella- I fancy a scrap in the alley about hap-past-two. Three shots of Sambuca. A doner kebab pizza made into a calzone with a parmo inside and cheesy chips on the top. A half pint of Bailey’s Irish cream. And…” Lucy said, “A diet coke.”

Velvet blinked. “Right.” They said, slightly startled. “Of course. But are you sure you can drink so much?”

Lucy shrugged. “Probs, but it’s fine if I cant. I’ve brought a flask.” She pulled a six cup Thermos from under her dress.”

Cocking an ‘eyebrow’, Velvet smiled at Lucy. My darling, do you have anything else stored under your finery?”

“Oh, well, chuck. You know there’s always something coming in or out of my love tunnel.” She dropped her voice to a whisper, which, to be fair, for Lucy was still slightly more than a shriek. “Perhaps you’d like to see my fur burger first hand, Velour.”

“That certainly is intriguing. And, it’s Velvet.”

“Actually it’s ‘Gear by Rear’.” Lucy said pulling at her dress. “So at best it’s a polyester-nylon blend.”

“Well, my darling, shall we have our drinks, and see where the night takes us.”

“As long as it doesn’t take us to Middlesbrough, I’m game.”

Velvet handed her a bottle pink Gordon’s and a crazy straw. “Sounds delightful, Miss Phurr.”

….

Somewhere after the second WKD, and two thirds of a way through a bottle of strawberries and cream sidekick, Lucy decided that enough was enough and she needed to see more of Velvet.

“I’m going to be honest here, chuck.” She said to Velvet. “The long black cloak thing was great for the first act, but I really want to see everything it’s covering. Make my lady garden turn on the sprinklers.”

Velvet smirked. “Oh, Miss Phurr, you devious little minx.”

“I love Little Mix! Did you know Jade from Little Mix had sex with Rachel Rear? Twice.”

“Yes.” Velvet said. “I’d heard. Now, Lucy, if you would like to view all of what I have to offer, I would be much obliged.”

Lucy gasped in excitement. “Oh yes, please, Satin.”

“It’s Velvet. But you have to agree to something, okay?”

Lucy twirled her hair around her finger. “Erm, alright? What is it?”

Dropping their voice to a low whisper, Velvet spoke to Lucy. “You must agree to let me do whatever I want to you, Lucy. Let me have full control over you body. Do you agree?”

“Of course fucking not, you dickhead. I only met you nine hundred words ago. Be fair.”

“Fine.” Velvet said. “But will you let me fist you?”

“Only if I can fist you at the same time.”

Velvet paused in thought. “I’m not quite sure how that would work logistically.”

Lucy shrugged. “I’m confident. Come on, I know the most romantic place we can go.”

“Lead the way, Miss Phurr.”

Taking Velvet’s hand, Lucy led them through the Bank Bar and out of the back door. It was difficult to see through the cloud of smoke just outside, and at one point Velvet was forced to send out a flare and await rescue while navigating through Dick’s spliff smoke. But eventually, the two made it to Lucy’s romantic spot.

“Well,” she said, sighting happily and gesturing around, “here we are.”

“It’s perfect.” Said Velvet. “Absolutely perfect.”

The bins in the alley hadn’t been emptied for a solid six days, so when Lucy climbed inside, there was a solid layer of warm garbage under her body to cushion any fall. Although her arse did that, too. Velvet clambered in after her, cloak catching on the lid and ripping the fabric up to their thighs.

“Oh, Latex, you’re sexy as fuck.”

“It’s Velvet. But thank you.” They ripped the cloak more, revealing bare skin all the way up to their waist. “Do you like what you see, Miss Lucy?”

“Don’t you ever fucking call me that, again.” Lucy growled. She shook it off and smiled brightly. “Yeah, you’re so sexy. Please, will you put you strong thick arm into my meat sleeve. Fuck me like a farmer calves a cow.”

Velvet stepped over a (suspiciously large) shitty nappy in the bin, and kneeled in front of Lucy. Their knees sank into the bin juice, releasing a sweet and sickly scent into the thick air. They rubbed their bald head into Lucy’s palm like George Galloway pretending to be a cat on celebrity big brother.

“Open your legs, Lucy.” Velvet commanded. “Let me see your panty hamster in all its glory.”

When Lucy opened her legs, a bright light shone from her mossy cleft, blinding Velvet and overtaking the whole dumpster. It was glorious.

“Oooh, GUURRRLLLL.”

“Sorry.” Lucy said. “Left my torch on.” She pulled it out with a wet flop, and propped it up in the corner of the bin, by the maggot-filled parmo. “Mood lighting.” She said. “But, how will we fist each other? We don’t have any lube, Velcro.”

“It’s Velvet. Velcro is my sister. And do not fret, my darling, for I have a lubricant alternative.” Reaching into the depths of the garbage, Velvet began rooting around with both hands.

Lucy watched in horny interest, her bum hole tightening around a festering banana at the bottom of the bin.

Making a pleased noise, Velvet pulled out their hand. Slowly oozing through their open fingers, a brown and cream nauseating mixture clung to Velvet’s hand. “This will do nicely. All the cheesy chips and gravy that get thrown away at the end of the night end up in the bottom of the bins, but make for a fantastic lubricant, or so Brenda has told me.”

“And when you fist my arsehole, you wont be able to see the truffle butter. Or smell it.”

Lucy beamed, and this time not from her hot box. “This is the best night of my life. My fanny feels like a patio with no drainage system in rainy season. What I’m saying is I’m very wet.”

“Fantastic.” Velvet said, rubbing the mouldy cheesy gravy over both hands. “Now lie back, and think of Bisto.”


End file.
